Have I screwed up my child?
Fess up: you’ve thought this before.
You yell at your child when you told yourself you wouldn’t.
You demand that they rush, rush, rush, because you’re running late.
You plead with them to go to brush their teeth, settle down, and for the love of God, stay in bed.
And please, please, PLEASE, child, do not pepper me anymore today with “Mom, Mom, Mom, MOM,” or “Dad, Dad, hey Dad, DAD!!!”
You wonder, is it too late to practice gentle parenting?
You try your best but still fall short of your parenting expectations.
Yet, you know you want to do better.
Gentle parenting, while not a new concept, has taken over social media by storm. Many parents are teaching themselves how to be a better parent through gentle parenting.
You want to be one of them, but what if you’ve already “messed up” your child?
So is it ever too late to practice gentle parenting?
That’s what we’re going to explore in this blog post.
Is it too late to practice gentle parenting?
It’s always possible to practice gentle parenting.
That’s because gentle parenting circumferences mutual respect, trust, empathy, understanding, and boundaries between the parent and child.
It’s never too late to cultivate any of that.
However, be aware that adopting a positive parenting style will likely cause a reaction in your child. And different responses depending on their age.
An elementary schooler will likely be more open and curious about your new tactics.
In contrast, a preteen or teenager can sniff out suspicious (read: different) behavior a mile away and may resist your initial attempts.
But the bottom line is, regardless of how your kids react to your new parenting journey, you can teach yourself anytime how to be a more compassionate, understanding parent.
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How do I start gentle parenting?
You can practice gentle parenting by learning about child development, reflecting on your upbringing, and using positive language.
You can also work on being more empathetic towards your child’s feelings, give them more room to make their own choices, and create boundaries around what they can and cannot do.
Lastly, let them know about this crazy reparenting/gentle parenting journey you’re embarking on.
You can begin to practice gentle parenting using these 7 tips:
1. Learn what’s typical for your child's age
One of the best ways to develop more understanding of your child is to learn about typical behavior and cognitive abilities for their age.
Learning about your child’s development is one way to do this.
In addition, understanding how your child’s mind works helps you parent at their “level.”
First, how old is your child? The brain and body change rapidly during childhood, and kids move through several stages of cognitive development.
Each stage gives them new abilities (boy, our kids sound like superheroes!), such as empathy and the ability to think hypothetically.
But at their current stage, sometimes they cannot yet “get” what you’re trying to teach them.
This means that sometimes your kids won’t be able to grasp what you’re saying, even if you think they should.
Developed by the influential psychologist Jean Piaget, the 4 stages of cognitive development are:
- sensorimotor (0-2 years old)
- preoperational (2-7 years old)
- concrete operational (7-11 years old)
- formal operational (12- adulthood)
For example, you drop your 4 year old off at daycare, and your kid grabs a toy. Another child takes it, and your child smacks them in response. You might say, “Don’t do that! You should know better.”
But really, your child has yet to learn how to regulate themself.
Their brain hasn’t yet matured enough to give them that control. In contrast, children in the concrete operational stage between 7-11 years old have much better control over their behavior.
And while children in the concrete operational stage can better regulate themselves, they struggle with thinking in hypothetical and abstract situations.
This means that kids between 7-11 are limited to thinking about situations they have experienced; they’re still learning to put themselves in another’s shoes and think about objects that can’t be seen, heard, touched, or experienced directly.
2. Tell them you’re trying
Parenting is tough. Changing the way you parent is particularly a doozy.
Because it’s fucking difficult changing old habits, right?
Old habits die hard, but they can die out.
So whether you have a little one still in diapers or a big one who already has the keys to your car, share with them how you’ve decided to change the way you parent.
“I’ve realized that I haven’t been raising you the best that I could. I may have tried my best, but my best may not have been the best for you. I’m sorry, and I’m learning to do better.”
3. Reflect on your upbringing
Reflecting on your upbringing helps you see how you’ve been conditioned to parent because how you were raised influences how you raise your own children.
Everybody picks up behavior patterns, perspectives, and beliefs from their parents or those who raised them.
For example, if you did chores routinely growing up because your parents made you, you’re more likely to do things independently as an adult.
Have you passed on the chores to your child, or do they get a chore-free pass because maybe you hated all the duties you had to do growing up?
If you saw your parents nit-picked their and others’ body appearances growing up, you may have adopted some of their phrases.
For example, “Are you really going to eat that?”
You couldn’t believe it when you first uttered those words to your preteen.
If your feelings were shrugged off by your parents as a kid, you now feel insurmountably angry when your mini-me back sasses you.
Because how dare they; my parents would’ve smacked the shit out of me.
It takes *alot* of inner work to reflect on your upbringing. And it takes a lot of strength to break old habits.
But breaking old habits brings you closer to cultivating the practices you want to raise your child with.
4. Use positive language
Positive language uses positive words to inform, encourage, inspire, reassure, and comfort others.
It tells someone what they can or should do, not what they can’t or shouldn’t.
Stop doing this. You can’t do that.
Quit, don’t, never, no.
After a while, it sounds like blah, blah, blah to a kid. (And adults, too – we’d be sick of someone telling us that all the time!)
Here’s an example of positive language:
You told your little buddy to clean up their toys, but they haven’t yet (and instead are on the couch with their feet in the air).
You remind them to start picking up their toys and put them where they belong instead of the tempting and accusatory “Why aren’t you cleaning up yet?!”
I talk more about using positive language to help kids listen to you in this post.
5. Be empathetic
Empathy is one of the 4 tenets of gentle parenting.
(Along with understanding, respect, and boundaries, according to parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith).
Empathy builds understanding, respect, and trust.
So how do you cultivate empathy with your child?
How can you let them know you understand them, even when they’re having a temper tantrum over not getting the red sippy cup?
Because to you, the color of a cup is so trivial. But it’s not to your child, and they need to know you know that.
You can work on empathizing with your child by validating their thoughts and feelings.
“I can see that you’re having so much fun at the park, and it makes you sad to leave, but we have to go home now.”
“You can be mad at me about not watching anymore TV. But your TV time is finished for today.”
“Gosh, I remember being disappointed like this when I was your age. Want to hear what happened?”
6. Give them autonomy
Another way to start practicing gentle parenting is by giving your child more autonomy or the ability to make decisions for themselves.
You probably already do this by encouraging your kid to play more alone. Independent play allows them to freely choose between their toys and what they want to do.
You can invite your child to pitch in with tasks, especially ones new to them.
Something as mundane as folding the laundry offers tons of autonomy opportunities.
Think about it: your child has to think about where they should put each item, how they should put it there, etc.
While it’s important to model what you want your child to do, it’s also important to let them have choices and not freak out if whatever you’re doing doesn’t exactly look as you wanted it.
Like folded laundry.
Don’t worry. Giving your child more opportunities for autonomy does not condone you giving up your boundaries as a parent.
But wait, do you even have boundaries with your child?
7. Learn boundaries
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
Some parents have them, and some don’t.
And some are in the middle, where their limits flip-flop.
If you recall my earlier post on the basics of gentle parenting, boundaries are one of the principles of gentle parenting.
You can view implementing boundaries as a form of discipline because boundaries help teach your child and keep them safe.
Boundaries, by definition, also draw the line of what behavior you will accept towards you.
For instance, your child gets right up in your face (so close that you got some spit droplets on your cheeks) and bellows because they want more ice cream.
But they’ve already had their fill, so what do you do?
State your boundary: “I will not let you scream in my face. I’m going to walk away to cool down.”
Then sprinkle in some empathy towards your kid: “You have the right to be upset about it.”
Your takeaway
Breathe a sigh of relief that it’s never too late to practice gentle parenting with your children.
You can start by:
- learning about child development
- telling your kid you’re trying
- using positive language
- giving them more autonomy
- being empathetic
- implementing boundaries
- reflecting on your childhood
Gentle parenting takes work. And it takes guts. And it takes restraint.
It takes love.
You’ve got what it takes.
Where are you on your gentle parenting journey?
Are you starting out with your first child?
Or are you branching out thanks to child number 2, 3, or 4?
Or is it a different reason altogether?
I read gentle parenting books during my 4th trimester with Wade, and our doula also leaned toward attachment parenting.
I also finished up my last semester of college (for elementary education) as he turned 1, which turned me on to child development.
Share your story in the comments below.
