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If you could rewind time and pick how your parents raised you, what parenting style would you choose? To be parented with unwavering old-school authority, permissiveness, or compassion?
If you’re like many parents eager to swap out the old, unhelpful parenting habits you (probably) were brought up with, this guide on gentle parenting will get you started.
You’ll learn what gentle parenting is, why it’s good for you and your child, and tips on how to start.
What is gentle parenting?
Gentle parenting is a long-term approach that emphasizes understanding, empathy, respect, and boundaries between you and your child. It underscores seeing your child as a whole person with thoughts and feelings of their own. This approach uses positivity, patience, love, and compassion. Parents try their best not to impose shame, fear, and punishment.
Gentle parenting is similar to Attachment Parenting. The thought is that creating a nurturing relationship with your child will help them grow into confident, secure adults.
While Dr. William Sears created the Attachment Parenting philosophy (he wrote The Baby Book), British parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith coined “gentle parenting.”
You may also hear gentle parenting referred to as ‘positive parenting’ or ‘conscious parenting.’
Since I first heard of this approach as ‘gentle,’ that’s my preferred term.
Authoritative parenting is another common term for gentle parenting, though it’s not to be confused with authoritarian parenting. The former is empathetic and holds age-appropriate boundaries, while the latter is less understanding of childhood development and rules with an iron fist.
According to Ockwell-Smith, gentle parenting consists of four principles:
- Understanding
- Respect
- Empathy
- Boundaries
Understanding the four pillars of this new ‘house’ you’re building with your child makes the construction phase a lot smoother (18 whole summer’s worth). Not easy – but smoother.
Understanding
Understanding a child’s brain and body biology is essential for gentle parenting. And when you understand that children do not have the same skills as an adult (shocking that we forget that, right?), it becomes easier to tweak what you expect of your child.
That becomes a snowball effect of you responding to your child’s needs in a developmentally appropriate – gentle – way.
What an adult expects from a child is often beyond the child’s capability. The child may not be able to do what their parent is asking them to do. Not because the child is being purposefully defiant, but because their little brain and body can’t compute the task. Children’s brains do not become fully developed until age 25.
Hence, babies, toddlers, and kids do not see the world as we do.
So why do we expect them to understand that getting to work/school/what have you on time is so stinking important?
Do you see what I mean?
For example, maybe the child is hungry, so they’ll be less likely to listen (honestly, who would?).
Maybe the child is going through a growth spurt, so they’re waking in the night even though previously they were a sound sleeper.
When you understand how a child’s brain and body work, it’s easier to understand where they’re coming from and gently adjust your parenting.
Respect
Remember the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?” Parents (including me, hello) tend to fall short on this one with our kids.
We say (may even demand) for them not to yell at us, not to cry if they don’t get their way, not to run away naked after bathtime.
Yet, we usually get caught up doing precisely that ourselves. Okay, probably not the last part.
So isn’t it ironic that we parents ask for respect from our children and not always give it to them in return?
Respecting your child also means honoring their feelings, likes, and dislikes. Their personality.
You know, The Entire Kid.
Yes, it’s so hard to bite your tongue when they choose that shirt with that pair of pants (I’ve gotten better about this!), but if that’s what they want, let ‘em have it.
Empathy
Empathy is another pillar of gentle parenting.
When you are empathetic towards your child, you hold space for them. You honor them. You understand that there is a cause for their (mis)behavior and that their feelings and actions are symptoms resulting from some form of stress.
For example, suppose your toddler starts crying because you picked the Paw Patrol cup and not the dirty Batman cup in the sink.
In that case, you could empathize and say, “I know you wanted your Paw Patrol cup. I would be sad too if I couldn’t use my favorite cup,” or “Oh, you seem sad because your cup is dirty.”
Acknowledging your child’s feelings not only validates their feelings but also fosters empathy in your child.
Empathetic children turn into empathetic adults. Empathetic adults care for others and the world around them.
We certainly need more of that in the world.
Boundaries
The last principle of gentle parenting is boundaries.
These boundaries are created with intention and the child’s development in mind and are consistently enforced. Consistency calms children and makes them feel safe.
Setting boundaries with a gentle lens is also like choosing your battles wisely.
For example, can you really stick to a no climbing on the couch rule, or did you yell out because you were tired?
Is there any real danger or can they endure the natural consequences of their exploration? (If it’s the latter, by all means, you must keep your child safe!)
Boundaries are also linked to discipline. In gentle parenting, ‘discipline’ means teaching, not punishing.
For instance, when your child hits you because they’re angry, you gently, firmly hold their arms and say, “I will not let you hit me. You can hit your pillows to get out your anger.” That boundary teaches your child how to release their uncomfortable feelings.
You don’t scream at them and send them to a corner or their room.
Instead, you are empathic, understanding, and ready to guide them.
The boundaries you set are like warm, fuzzy blankets for your baby. Even when your child is in the middle (of the bed), they’ll always have that protection.
As they grow older, they’ll be able to carry that blanket with them into adulthood.
The blanket is all those skills you’ve taught them, thanks to your consistent boundaries.
Does gentle parenting mean no discipline?
Gentle parenting doesn’t mean zero discipline. Gentle parenting actually uses a lot of discipline.
But first, we have to rethink what discipline is.
Do you think of discipline as ‘tough love’?
Do you think of discipline as using punishment? I used to.
I used to think discipline could be in the form of taking away possessions, using time out, ignoring unwanted behavior, etc. Does any of that ring true to you?
I have to catch myself not threatening to take away Spyro (a video game) when Wade doesn’t do something sometimes. :/
If it does – and I’m sure it does for most of us brought up in a strict household – well, that’s not the kind of discipline gentle parenting uses.
If we shake off what we’ve been conditioned as a society to believe what discipline towards a child should look like, then we can reclaim the true meaning of the word discipline: to learn.
It comes from the Latin word disciplina (in case any of you love etymology, like me).
A gentle parenting approach squares on creating a relationship with your child where you both teach and learn from each other. Research shows that positive discipline over punishment helps raise confident kids ready to take on the world and do their thing.
Why is gentle parenting good?
Gentle parenting is one of the best ways to raise a kind, confident, and independent child.
Compared to other parenting styles (like authoritarian or uninvolved), gentle parenting (also known as authoritative parenting) is the most likely parenting style to have a positive impact.
Those who use an authoritative parenting style tend to set age-appropriate boundaries, empathize with their children, and talk to them as whole people.
Again, it’s about fostering a nurturing, safe relationship between you and your child.
More children raised under this approach have fewer behavioral problems, are better problem solvers, and are more adaptable to the ebb and flow of life.
Authoritative parents also tend to understand – or be willing to understand – the developmental timeline of their children.
They don’t use physical punishments or enact age-inappropriate consequences. Or at least they try their best not to because everyone is human.
On the other hand, authoritarian parents use punishments and rewards for compliance.
Authoritarian parents want a wonderful relationship with their children like any other parent. However, their harsh strategies (like withholding affection or an object or isolating the child) may strip the relationship tapestry as their children grow older.
If you’ve ever grown up with parents who told you to “stop feeling that way” or they were “going to give you something to cry about,” you grew up with parents that put your obedience and control first and your relationship second.
Most parents parent with good intentions. However, some approaches are kinder to the soul and more nurturing than others.
Gentle parenting is one of those approaches.
How do you start gentle parenting?
You can start gentle parenting anytime, but the first thing to do is cultivate an awareness of your relationship with your child. The second is educating yourself.
Millennial parents like myself are lucky that we have tons more information (that’s updated to boot) right in our pocket.
God, I sound like my parents.
Good ole’ mom and dad and grandma and grandpa relied on each other, family, or friends. Yikes?
1. Examine your parenting style
Think about your parenting style and how you react to your child’s behavior.
This isn’t to put yourself down but to gain insight into the patterns you’ve (likely unconsciously) developed.
- How do you respond when they spill their drink?
- What is your go-to move when they give you backtalk?
- Do you immediately give in, hold firm, or eventually cave when your child has a tantrum?
We raise our children the way we were raised because that’s all we know – right?
There may be some things you vow to never repeat with your own offspring (I refuse to spank), but others may come out instinctively.
And you’ll be like, damn, why did I do that? Why do I keep doing that?
- Did you spill the milk? Arrgh! Damnit! Let’s get this cleaned up now!
- You do not talk like that to me. And because I SAID SO!
- Alright, fine! You can do it one more time!!
I’m sure we can all remember when our parents made us feel small, even if that wasn’t their intention. (If you did have parents like that, sending big, warm hugs to you).
It takes much self-awareness to pause unhelpful parenting habits, but it’s all in breaking the cycle that no longer serves us.
Authoritarian and permissive parenting never served us.
What, in the name of making us “tough?”
We became too tough on ourselves.
2. Keep learning
I try not to be too hard on myself because I know I’m learning to do better in raising my kid.
I devoured gentle parenting and sleep training books from the library when I was postpartum with Wade.
Reading kept me awake and gave me something else to focus on besides boob milk and bags of doo-doo; plus, it was eye-opening what I was learning.
Ockwell’s The Gentle Discipline Book is what planted the gentle parenting seed in me.
Here are other titles I’ve read and recommend to jumpstart your new gentle parenting journey:
Your takeaway
Gentle parenting views a child as a whole being with their own thoughts, feelings, and desires.
It emphasizes a parent’s understanding of where their child is developmentally so they can meet them there, instead of expecting too much.
Children raised under a gentle parenting approach also tend to have better mental health than those who were not.
Remember that you’re not stuck in your ways.
You can grow into the parent you want to be.
Keep reading. Keep breathing.
Keep following those helpful Instagram accounts.
You’ve got this.
What’s your parenting style?
How did you start gentle parenting?
Share in the comments below!
