How Can I Be More Empathetic Towards My Child? Turn To These 8 Tips Every Single Time

Empathy is one of the 4 pillars of gentle parenting.

There’s understanding.

Respect.

The big B – boundaries.

And empathy.

How can I be more empathetic towards my child?

I don’t always get their struggle over the wrong cup, the wrong shoe, the whining, the impatience, the…!

I don’t always have the patience to hold the space.

I immediately react and snap.

That’s one of the reasons why many parents struggle with extending empathy towards their kiddos.

You already know that parenting is a damn sport and you won’t make all the goals, but damn it if you’re going to stay on the bleachers for the next 18+ years.

And so here you are.

You can train yourself to be more empathetic towards your child (and that’ll also spill over into your other relationships).

So how can you be more empathetic with your kiddo?

This post explains 8 tips parents can use to cultivate empathy towards their child.

What is empathy?

Empathy is being aware of other’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

Empathy is a skill and a genetic trait.

This means that empathy can be learned.

You can help teach that to your child (while you teach yourself).

Some studies have identified genes related to empathy (such as the OXTR or Oxytocin Receptor gene). This could explain why some people are naturally more sensitive than others.

Kids start to flex their empathy muscles starting around 3-5 years old.

If your child is older than that, good news: parts of the brain responsible for empathy continue developing until their mid-20s.

What does lack of empathy do to a child?

A lack of having or being shown empathy can lead to aggressive and violent behavior.

This is because low levels of empathy make it more difficult to read other’s cues.

How can I be more empathetic towards my child?

Empathy is a lifelong practice.

Here are 8 things you can do to cultivate more empathy towards your child:

remind yourself why you’re doing this
remember little you
put yourself in their shoes
be present and hold space
practice active listening
be neutral and judge-free
validate, validate, validate
ask what they need from you

Let’s dive in.

1. Remind yourself why you’re doing this

Yes, you’re a parent, but you’re trying your damn hardest to be a gentle parent.

Because you want your child to be empathetic, responsible, compassionate, and have healthy boundaries.

So remind yourself why you’re doing this.

You know your child deserves that.

You know one vital piece of that puzzle is you putting in the work – like when they’re having a full-blown temper tantrum over not winning the board game.

And boy is it hard work.

2. Remember Little You

Remember little you – those flashback moments of feeling invalidated and unheard?

From family, friends, and peers. We’ve all been there.

Usually, the other person meant no harm, but still, our insides felt it.

You feel it every time, and all those sand particles add up.

Think back to Little You.

Little You wanted to feel heard.

Little You wanted to feel validated.

Little You needed to know that your thoughts and feelings mattered.

Little You is staring back at you through your kid.

Reacting is easy.

Pausing, listening, and showing empathy are not always easy.

You can’t (won’t) get it “right” every time with your child, but remembering Little You will help remind yourself again why you’re on this gentle parenting journey in the first place.

3. Put yourself in their shoes

A cornerstone of empathy is putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.

So try on your kiddo’s Crocs. Go ahead.

How do they feel?

Tight, like your chest can’t breathe and your body is becoming an active volcano?

Or loose, like you’re all alone and that anybody barely cares?

The more you think about your child’s perspective and are tuned into their cognitive and emotional ability levels, the more you’ll be able to put yourself in their shoes and extend empathy.

4. Be present and hold space

Being open and holding space for your child is not necessarily about immediately dropping what you’re doing.

You can’t always do that anyway in the middle of dinner!

It’s you – active listening – essentially saying what you think and feel is important to me.

You are important and not alone.

If you want my help, I’m here.

It’s eye contact.

It’s being quiet so they can speak, cry, be silent. Whatever they need.

It’s giving them the space to summon the courage to say what they need to say.

Little Them is there, inside, wondering if it’s safe.

Practice being a safe space.

5. Practice active listening

Active listening is when you solely pay attention to what the speaker is saying, not mentally preparing a response.

Active listening helps you clarify what the person is saying, or feeling.

Because how many times have you yeah’d, yupped, and uh-huh’ed your way through tough-for-your-child conversations?

Yeah, kid, okay. Cool story bro.

It’s hard, but as your child is having their meltdown, tantrum, bad day, sad moment – really listen to them.

Focus your full attention on them.

Make eye contact.

Sit close.

Be inviting.

Check for understanding by asking questions, like:

“Is it fair to say this wasn’t what you thought was going to happen?”

“It sounds like you’re pretty upset about it, am I right?”

“I think you’re feeling disappointed and angry. Is that right?”

Focus on listening and having your child feel heard.

6. Be neutral and judge-free

This piggybacks off my previous point of being quiet with a listening ear.

Practice being neutral.

Hurry less to judge. Try not to judge at all.

For example, the other day Wade and I went outside in scorching 90+ degree weather, and he didn’t want to play in the water.

What kid doesn’t want to play in the water when it’s hot out? I thought.

Other kids do!

Why is he so…and I stopped myself.

(I’ve told you, it takes practice. I’ve been having lots of it lately).

Why judge? Why can’t he have his feelings?

He can, so wtf am I doing?

Okay, listen to him.

7. Validate, validate, validate

Validate feels like such a trendy term.

The keywords “validate feelings” get over 1,600 searches per month on Ubersuggest.

We don’t set out to hurt our kids’ feelings. We don’t try to invalidate them on purpose.

It’s very easy to dismiss their feelings though when you’ve got 1,683 items on your mind and they’re wailing at you to do something mom! because the internet went out.

Yes, I know! I’ll get to it. Stop your crying, please.

Just go do something else while you wait. It’s not that bad.

I’m confident we say things like this every week to our kids because life and we’re not all saints.

More like work in progress parents.

But it’s that “stop your crying please”.

The “it’s not that bad.”

When we say things like this to our children, we invalidate their feelings.

Let me validate yours by saying you are not alone in losing your cool or not saying the “right” thing, you’re not a bad parent, and you can heal the wounds between you two.

Repeatedly having your feelings invalidated leads to insecurity and distrust within relationships.

Oh, that’s right. What I think is garbage is the train of thought that starts in childhood and follows us into adulthood.

You start feeling unwanted.

So be conscientious of the words leaving your lips. And when the inevitable strikes (‘cuz no one is perfect) you can come back and validate, validate, validate.

Here are some examples of validating, empathetic phrases:

I hear you. That sounds rough, and I wouldn’t have liked it either.
I see that you’re upset.
It’s normal to feel that way.
You’re making total sense.

It’s advantageous to use “I” phrases to convey that you care, such as:

“I get that…”
“I see…”
“I hear…”
“I think…”
“I’m guessing…”

Practice validating over dismissing.

8. Ask what they need from you

Part of being empathetic is supporting the other person.

You know your child best, but asking what you can do to support them validates their feelings and shows that you hear them too.

“What can I do to help?”

“What do you need from me right now?

“How can I help you with this?”

You’ll be amazed at how your child will start turning these phrases on you when they hear you about your problems.

Problems like the damn groceries didn’t get delivered yesterday (I know, first-world problems).

This mama wanted f’ing sweets.

“What about a cereal night then?” Wade chimed in something of the like while I audibly ran through this week’s dinner menu, cursing.

There’s some support I needed.

Your takeaway

So many parents struggle and wonder, how can I be more empathetic towards my child?

First, remember why you’re doing this parenting thing differently – and that Little You would be clapping their hands if they could see you now.

Second, put yourself in your child’s shoes.

Be present and an amazing listener. Oh boy, does that take practice!

Be neutral, and validate, validate, validate.

Ask how, if at all, your child needs support from you.

How easy or difficult is it for you to be empathetic towards your child?

In what ways has growing up with empathetic parents – or lack thereof – followed you into adulthood?

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