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What I’m going to say might sound harsh, but don’t say “don’t” anymore.
Don’t. Stop doing it.
Just stop. STAHP!
Okay, sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you virtually. But then yes, I did, because this is how we often sound to our children.
I sometimes sound this way (especially during this quarantine!), and it never makes me feel good.
No – nope – never!
Quit it, stop it, don’t do it!
I know you mean well, Mama–we all do–and it’s not like you want to yell at your precious kiddos. It’s just that they Don’t. F’ing. Listen.
Or they throw a temper tantrum when your patience level is at total fucking zero and there isn’t another gosh darn matching sock to be found. We’ve all been there.
But, by using negative language — all the don’ts, stop it’s, and quit it’s, etc. — you may be unintentionally setting your child up for failure to not listen to you.
Say what?
So, for all that’s holy – how can you get your child(ren) to listen to you?
Start incorporating more positive language into your day!
Today, I will talk about positive language and why it helps encourage your child to listen to you. I’ll also discuss some examples of negative-turned-positive phrases.
This way, you can finish this blog post with a basic script of what to say the next inevitable time your child says nannie-nannie-boo-boo and runs away.
What is positive language?
Positive language is supportive, constructive language that helps strengthen a child’s self-esteem and independence. With positive language, you tell a child what they can do, not can’t.
For example, “don’t spill that milk!” can be spun more positively into something like “Remember to use both hands to steady the cup,” or “Try filling the next cup up about halfway so less milk may spill out as you walk.”
It’s our job as parents to show and model (and remind, remind, remind) our kids what we expect of them. It’s not enough to tell them “No!” and leave them hanging.
If you tell your kid, “No, don’t run in the store!” does that mean they can hop or skip? Twirl while singing and holding your hand?
If you say, “Stop doing that,” what can your child do at that moment?
Again, we must show and tell what we want them to do, not just, oh god…nag.
Children need specific instructions spun in a positive way
With positive language, the ‘don’ts,’ ‘stops,’ and other negative words are taken away, and speech is framed into an action that your child can understand. Turn what could be a negative-sounding instruction into a positive, specific direction or affirmation.
Something like: “Don’t put your food on the floor!” —– becomes —-> “Put your food in the trash can, please.”
Say both sentences out loud. Which one sounds nicer to hear? Which one would you, as an adult, most likely comply with?
In the second sentence, you reminded the child that discarded food belongs in the trash and added a respectful “please.” This is positive language. The first is using negative language.
So what’s wrong with saying something like: “Don’t put your food on the floor, (insert your precious angel’s name here)”?
I would bet you have probably said this before. I have, and still occasionally do, because I’m a human and all. And it sometimes works.
Right before your precious little angel swats this shit right off their plate.
Infuriating.
(Although granted, they are kids, toddlers, and babies, and we are parents trying to do our best, so…breathe)
My kid will still do that on occasion. I am aware that he is a toddler and testing the waters and experimenting with life and how things work….but seriously…sometimes that shit will morph me into a fucking Super Saiyan.
The problem with "no" - centered language
The problem with “Don’t put your food on the floor!”, besides that it’s just icky to hear (I would go cower somewhere and ugly cry if I was feeling sensitive enough), is that it doesn’t tell your child what to do instead of throwing the food on the floor.
Your kiddo may give an adorable “huh?” and carry on as you pull out the box-colored strands from your cute pony.
They may not know what to do (or remember it if you’ve already told them).
Whereas the child who hears instructions to put the food in the trash can is reminded of what to do and where to go. They are redirected and affirmed.
Will positive language always work? Of course not – but it’s much more effective than reprimanding with “no.”
Because children typically focus on what they know (“food on the floor!“), they may not connect your instructions to not toss the messy spaghetti on the floor; they’re too enthralled in a mess now.
If you say “No running!”, should your kids skip, hop, or walk?
Are they allowed to crawl since you said no running?
The key to positive language is being specific in a positive way.
That’s why using negative words may amplify your tot’s temper tantrum or desire to continue to do whatever they were doing.
I know I don’t like taking no for an answer, and I’m an adult!
Try to use positive language instead to get your child to listen to you over going to authoritative – “no, because I said so!” route.
Examples of positive language
Here are some examples of how to use positive language to encourage your kiddo to listen to you.
In all of these examples, the negative words are replaced with positive, specific instructions.
That’s all there is to it!
Here’s what you (probably) usually say versus a better way to say it:
|
Instead of: |
Say: |
|
Don’t run in the house! ———-> |
Walk in the house, please. |
|
Quit hitting your sister! ———–> |
Keep your hands to yourself, please. |
|
Stop climbing up there! ———-> |
Please get off; we climb at _____, not here. |
|
Don’t say that word! ———–> |
Choose a different word, please. |
The most challenging part is catching yourself in the moment when you are using negative language.
It takes some self-awareness, but you can do it.
When my son was still in his high chair, he loved to throw wet wipes off the table. If I gave him one to clean his hands, whoosh! in an instant, it would be on the floor.
So I asked him to help me pick up the wipe off the floor, open the trashcan, and put it in.
Like: “If you throw that, you will pick it up and put it in the trash can.” “Put it in the garbage and not on the floor, please.”
Now he’s two and a half, and he is my little picker-upper. He rarely throws them off, and now he independently throws away his wet wipes when they’re dirty.
It took a little while, but I used positive language to show him and tell him what I wanted him to do.
More self-independence = less dependence on Mama. Score!
Learning (and remembering!) to use positive language takes just a little bit of patience and positivity, Mama. You’ve got that.
You’ve got all of that, even if it doesn’t always feel so.
Your takeaway
Use positive language to calmly and specifically explain, show, and remind your child what you expect them to do. They (in time) will listen to you better.
These are just a few examples, and it may be helpful to print out or write down different ones and tape them up somewhere so you and everyone in your household can start using positive language together.
My husband has been asking me to do that, so I guess I should neglect that heaping pile of laundry and get on that instead. How do we have so much laundry, and it’s just the three of us?
How does your kiddo respond to positive language?
Share in the comments below!
