Impulse control in preschoolers is generally misunderstood by parents.
For example, have you ever gotten mad/embarrassed/frustrated at your child when they did something impulsively?
When they yelled at the top of their lungs, all the neighbors could hear…
When they snuck another Oreo after you told them not to less than one minute ago…
When they repeatedly jump on their bed after you’ve said, no, please stop, Jesus Christ, kid!!
You think they should know better.
That they should be able to control themselves and listen to you the first time you ask. Or at least the 12th.
If this is you, you’re not alone.
In fact, 56% of parents think children under 3 should be able to control their behavior.
And 24% of parents believe that children aged one and younger should be able to do the same.
…For real?
I can’t control my behavior all the time, let alone always do what someone asks me the first time (sorry, hubs). So I’m willing to bet you can’t, either. Because, well, you’re human.
Yet children are held to a higher standard when managing their emotions and behavior. Many adults expect more from the child than the child is developmentally capable of.
This post explains the science behind impulse control in preschoolers and toddlers.
In addition, you’ll learn 8 strategies and activities that can help teach your child how to harness their self-control.
But before we talk about preschoolers (ages 3-5), let’s first check whether toddlers (2-3) have impulse control.
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Do toddlers have impulse control?
Toddlers have little impulse control. This is because the brain’s frontal lobes are not developed. The frontal lobes manage executive functions like thinking, memory, organization, and impulse control.
It isn’t until about age 25 that the frontal lobe finishes developing. However, more recent research suggests that the brain continues to mature into our mid-30s!
No wonder you sometimes still make poor decisions! Hah.
Do preschoolers have impulse control?
It’s normal for preschoolers to struggle with impulse control too. This is because the frontal cortex (which contains the 2 brain hemispheres, aka lobes) begins to develop around ages 3-4.
While preschoolers can demonstrate more self-control than in toddlerhood, their young brains still need support learning to regulate their emotions and behavior.
So no…they can’t “cut it out” or “stop touching everything” as easily as you wish.
What causes lack of impulse control in kids?
The genes a child is born with, their age and external factors such as stress can be reasons why a child loses control. Lack of sleep is also a significant influence on impulsive behavior.
Their genes
Let’s start with the genes. Your genes are what make you, you.
Your brain – and your child’s – may have genes better at thinking and processing than reacting.
Take a look at your parents, for example, or siblings. Who’s better at keeping calm?
So while learning to regulate impulses takes practice, how your child does that is influenced by their genes.
Now let’s talk about age.
Their age
Newborns naturally have a fully developed “hot brain,” or limbic system, to help them survive. It’s why babies cry when they’re uncomfortable, hungry, or wet.
Toddlers and preschoolers also have more of a “hot brain.”
However, it’s not until about 25 years old that their “cool brains” fully mature, which is the prefrontal cortex.
The prefrontal cortex is responsible for executive functions like impulse control. It is at the very front of the frontal cortex.
External factors like stress
Nobody likes stress, but stress is a fact of life. Adults have had years – hell, decades of guidance and practice to learn how to negotiate stress.
But kids are kids and haven’t been on this earth for nearly as long.
Thus they’re not used to uncomfortable emotions.
Sadness. Frustration. Guilt. Embarrassment. Shame.
Nor do young children know how to handle them.
Lack of sleep
Too little sleep impacts all of your executive functions. You know from experience how much sleep affects your ability to reason and control yourself.
Not enough sleep makes your child more reactive to everything – from screaming because they didn’t get the right cup at dinner to throwing a fit over wearing a jacket because it’s freezing out.
How can I help my preschooler with impulse control?
Your child will naturally develop more impulse control as they get older. But the good news is you can help them strengthen their impulse control muscles.
Check out these 4 tips for helping your child cultivate more self-control:
1. Encourage more movement
Exercise lowers impulsivity by tapping into the frontal cortex. Like a grueling set of planks, the more your brain exercises, the more it can perform executive function tasks better.
Furthermore, exercise gets more blood flowing in the brain, making creating and strengthening neurons easier. Neurons are the body’s messenger system.
So turn up the music and have a dance party! Play freeze tag in the backyard.
2. Practice naming their feelings
Toddlers and preschoolers are more apt to lash out if they don’t know how to verbalize their feelings. Practice labeling your child’s emotions to help them control their feelings more.
If they hit, kick, or punch, perhaps they’re angry, frustrated, mad, upset, embarrassed – you get the picture.
“It seems that you’re mad” or “You threw that toy. Are you feeling frustrated?” are examples.
Here are other emotional vocabulary words to teach your child so they can learn to label their feelings on their own:
- confused
- curious
- disappointed
- frightened
- furious
- guilty
- impatient
- jealous
- loved
- nervous
- proud
- shocked
- shy
- surprised
- tired
3. Model impulse control
Your preschooler has picked up many things from you. But, alas, they can also pick up impulse control techniques from you.
So the next time you’re frustrated because the dishwasher won’t start, the TV remote is missing, or worse – no veggie chicken nuggets in the fridge and your kid is hangry – pause.
Pause for a moment. Take a deep breath. Pause again.
Continue modeling by asking yourself aloud, “I need to pause. I’m feeling a tightness in my chest. What emotion is my body telling me?”
The more your child sees you regulating your emotions (and fixing mistakes when you lose it), the more they’ll do it. You are, after all, your child’s biggest influence.
4. Bring it to their attention
Children are pretty self-absorbed until about age 7, according to Piaget, the late Swiss psychologist known for his theory on cognitive development.
Toddlers and preschoolers are very egocentric and therefore aren’t always aware of how their actions affect others.
They aren’t mindful of their impulsive behavior at this age. Therefore, bring it to their attention to help them recognize when they’re being impulsive.
“I see you’re looking fidgety in your chair, and you almost knocked over your cup. When you feel like you need to move, you can get out of your seat to stretch your legs.”
“Whoa, buddy! That was a little loud. How did it feel to scream? Is it because you’re upset that you can’t watch TV?”
“When you’re finished cleaning your toys, then you can play iPad games. Please put your toys back instead of throwing them.”
“If you want to talk, please don’t interrupt when I’m speaking to someone. Instead, put your hand on my arm, so I know you’re there.”
What activities help kids with impulsivity?
Games are a fantastic way to help kids flex their self-control muscles. And they’re fun!
Playing these 4 classic games will help your preschooler be less impulsive:
- Red Light, Green Light
- Simon Says
- Freeze tag
- Bop It!
These games involve listening and body movement control, critical impulse-management skills.
Wade got a Darth Vader Bop It! from his Grandma. It’s fun for all of us to play!
Related posts:
Your takeaway
There is little impulse control in preschoolers and toddlers.
However, preschoolers’ ability to control their emotions and behavior jump starts around age 3. They still need lots of support from you, though.
Help your preschooler cultivate better impulse control by playing games like Simon Says. Encourage them to move their bodies more and practice naming their feelings.
Of course, you must model impulse control, too, so you not only talk the talk but walk the walk!
How does your child deal with their impulses? What do you do to model impulse control for them? Share in the comments below.
