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Were you spanked as a child?
I wasn’t spanked often, but I remember a few instances (like the one time I colored the living room wall – oops!).
In 1993, roughly half of parents sometimes spanked their children for discipline.
That number dropped to 35% in 2017, marking a 15% decrease in spanking in those 24 years.
Spanking is most common in an authoritarian parenting style, but what other parenting styles are there?
How do they affect your child as you raise them?
In this blog post, you’ll learn the differences between the 4 core parenting styles and how each affects your child’s development.
You’ll also learn why authoritative parenting is the best approach to raising your child into the amazingly adaptive and resilient person they’re meant to be.
What are parenting styles?
A parenting style is a pattern of attitudes, behaviors, and strategies that parents use to teach and control their children.
In 1966, developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind coined the terms for three parenting styles:
- Authoritarian
- Authoritative
- Permissive (indulgent)
In the 1980s, Standford researchers Maccoby and Martin added a 4th parenting style, called ‘neglectful parenting.’
Another name for this style is ‘uninvolved parenting.’
Parental responsiveness vs. parental demandingness
There are 2 elements in each parenting style: parental responsiveness and parental demandingness.
Parental responsiveness is how a parent shows up for their child and guides them.
It’s how warm and supportive they are.
How they encourage their kid to experiment, make mistakes, self-regulate, and become their own unique person.
Parental demandingness describes how much a parent controls their child’s behavior through rules and restrictions and the level of maturity they expect their child to have.
So…do you know what your parenting style is?
How demanding and responsive do you think you are?
You may find that you use a mixture of these approaches at different times because you’re a fucking human, and parenting is hard sometimes.
And sometimes you lose your shit.
(And I’m constantly working on circling back to sincerely apologize to my kid when I screw up.)
Now let’s take a closer look at each parenting approach, including the defining characteristics.
What parenting styles are there?
There are 4 core parenting styles:
- authoritarian (strict and harsh)
- authoritative (supportive and warm)
- permissive (supportive and lenient)
- neglectful/uninvolved (unattached and indifferent)
Here’s a breakdown of each of the 4 parenting styles:
1. Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents are high demanding but not very responsive to their kids.
They have high expectations for their children.
Picture that age-old adage that “children are seen, not heard.”
Authoritarian parents are strict, often high-achieving, and have little sensitivity to their children’s emotional needs.
Ever heard of “it’s my way or the highway?”
The kids need to be “taught a lesson?”
Authoritarian parenting seeks to control a child using fear-based punishments and consequences.
Spanking, hitting, ignoring, shaming, and demanding are control strategies authoritarian parents use.
Rewards and sticker charts are also standard practices to get a child to behave.
You probably had a picture of what an authoritarian parent is like – someone who leads with authority.
Harsh, strict, and obedient to obedience and control. It’s usually their way or the highway.
Remember Red from That’s 70’s Show?
“Keep up with the smart mouth, and my foot’ll be nine-tenths of the way up your ass.”
And because this approach is rooted in fear, children fear losing their parent’s love.
Love feels conditional – especially when a mistake is made, or a rule is broken.
From a child’s perspective, the parent loves you when you do something ‘good’ that’s up to their standards – not when they make a mistake, break a rule, or voice their opinion.
Authoritarian parent characteristics:
- intrusive and hover-heavy
- uses strict boundaries
- controls via shaming, ignoring, or withdrawing affection
- not open to discussion
- uses physical punishments like hitting or spanking
- uses consequences that aren’t age-appropriate
- inconsiderate to child’s thoughts and desires
Did you grow up in a strict household? Many of us did.
2. Authoritative
Authoritative parents are high-demanding and high-responsive.
Authoritative parents lead with authority, too, but they try their damndest not to use the cold, conditional ways the authoritarian parent has fallen into.
Think of Bandit and Chilli from Bluey. They’re great examples. 🙂
Parents who practice authoritative parenting see their authority as a way to guide their children, not to completely control them with an iron fist.
An authoritative approach tries to control a child’s behavior by using age-appropriate reasoning while considering the child’s point of view.
There’s definitely a respective give-and-take between the child and adult here.
And traditional authoritarian control tactics are tossed out the (narrow) window.
Instead of physical punishments, isolation, or ignoring, authoritative parents validate their child’s feelings, empathize with them, and hold space without trying to minimize their little one’s experience.
Authoritative parent characteristics:
- assertive
- uses clear boundaries
- controls via age-appropriate reasoning, validating, and holding space
- open to discussion
- does not use physical punishments
- uses natural consequences as a way to discipline
- very considerate to child’s thoughts and feelings
Authoritative parenting is a hot topic. The term has almost 7 million search results!
‘Authoritarian parenting’ has 5.5 million.
A shift in how we raise our children is undoubtedly happening! (Yay!)
3. Permissive/indulgent
Permissive parents are responsive but not very demanding.
Like authoritarian parenting, permissive parenting is fear-based.
But unlike authoritarian parenting, permissive parents fear that their children will stop loving them.
Thus, they have easily bendable (if any) boundaries, guidelines, or rules.
Therefore, avoiding confrontations and being overly generous (“Oh please stop crying. You can have an extra bowl of ice cream when you get home if you stop right now.”) are hallmarks of a permissive parent.
So are bribes in the form of candy or toys – whatever it takes to get the child to stop the unwanted behavior.
These parents are, well, permissive.
The kids run the roost, and they know it!
This is not to say permissive parents aren’t loving or inconsiderate because they tend to be very responsive to their children.
But because they tend to be lenient, discipline is scarce or inconsistent, and there’s little routine or structure for the child.
Permissive parent characteristics:
- lax and lenient
- uses few or inconsistent boundaries
- has a hard time saying or sticking to “no”
- open to discussion
- considerate of child’s thoughts and feelings to the point of defaulting to what the child wants
Growing up, permissive parents may be the most fun type to be around – at least for a bit.
(Skip down to the next section to see why).
Because in permissive or indulgent parenting, a child’s responsibility is less important than their freedom.
Remember the 90s movie ‘Matilda’? The mom was pretty careless about her daughter’s activities!
4. Uninvolved / neglectful
Uninvolved parents are low-demanding and low-responsive.
Parents show little to no interest in their children, don’t provide much support or affection, and don’t set and enforce rules or expectations.
It’s a very “hands-off” approach.
Parents may be emotionally or physically unavailable, and the child is left to support and regulate themself.
In extreme circumstances, uninvolved parents become neglectful, i.e., not providing basic necessities like food and water or taking them to school.
Uninvolved parent characteristics:
- cold and distant
- uses little to no boundaries
- not open to discussion
- shrugs off or belittles child’s thoughts and feelings
Now that you understand the 4 basic parenting styles and their characteristics, let’s learn how you raise your child shapes them.
How parenting styles affect child development
How you raise your child affects just about every aspect of your child’s young life.
From how they perform in school and overcome setbacks to making friends and forming romantic relationships, the parenting style you use plays a huge factor in childhood development.
Children mirror what they see and hear (and eventually start to think) as their parents do.
Monkey see monkey do!
How authoritarian parenting affects children
Because authoritarian parenting is based around the parent controlling the child with little input from the child, kids raised under an authoritarian roof often feel like they have no control over their own lives.
As a result, anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues will likely crop up as they grow older.
Studies show children raised with authoritarian parenting have a higher risk of depression than kids brought up via authoritative parenting.
And so begins a slippery slope for a child’s development.
Because who are they if they can’t trust what they feel, think, or experience?
They learn to second guess themselves and think for themselves less.
Who are they if the important people around them tell them what to do?
What do their thoughts matter?
Children raised via authoritarian parenting also tend to rebel against authority figures too.
Who would guess?
How authoritative parenting affects children
An authoritative upbringing is linked to greater social skills, fewer behavioral issues, and a more confident sense of self.
Children raised with authoritative parenting are also less likely to experience anxiety and depression.
Why do these children grow up with better social skills? (Like communicating their thoughts and feelings clearly, listening, and being empathetic.)
It’s because they watched their parents model these skills.
They’re more likely to be intrinsically motivated (i.e., doing something because they want to, not have to) because they were praised more for their efforts and progress than intelligence, ability, or outcome.
This sparks that feeling of being in the driver’s seat of your own life – and plants the seed for self-confidence, emotional flexibility, and a growth mindset.
Authoritative parenting also encourages children to be more curious, independent, and proactive in problem-solving.
How permissive parenting affects children
When raised with permissive parents, children struggle with self-discipline, motivation, and regulating their behavior.
Poor impulse control, risky behavior, and aggression are also linked to a permissive parenting style.
They also struggle with boundaries with themselves and others because boundaries were poorly or inconsistently modeled during their childhood.
They may have less empathy for others.
They’re also more likely to negatively respond to criticism, rules, and limits.
How uninvolved parenting affects children
Children raised with uninvolved or neglectful parents struggle the most cognitively and socially because they are chronically stressed.
They tend to have lower confidence and self-esteem. Poor performance in school (academically and socially) and struggling with aggression and impulsive behavior are also common with this parenting style.
It’s thought that these children learn to cope with too much and with too little support.
Chronic stress can wreak havoc on the body – especially a developing one.
Uninvolved or neglectful parenting also puts a child at greater risk for anxiety, depression, and substance abuse than other parenting styles.
What is the best parenting style and why?
Studies show that an authoritative parenting style is the most effective way to raise a confident, capable, and resilient child because it’s based on mutual respect between the parent and child.
When children feel respected, heard, and are raised with a balance of age-appropriate boundaries and consequences and a healthy dash of freedom – they feel more confident to explore the world around them and become their authentic selves.
They know mom or dad won’t stop loving them if they make a mistake.
They know how to be empathetic towards others because that’s what they saw growing up.
And they know how to navigate life’s challenges with grace and resilience because they understand the value of a growth mindset.
Your takeaway
There are 4 main parenting styles:
- authoritarian
- authoritative
- permissive/indulgent
- uninvolved/neglectful
Authoritarian parenting is strict and doesn’t offer much opportunity for “give and take” with the child.
Permissive parenting is very lenient and doesn’t consistently enforce boundaries or rules to avoid confrontations.
Uninvolved parenting has little to no engagement, support, or rules.
Authoritative parenting is firm but warm and focuses on the “give and take” between the parent and the child, and it’s the most likely parenting style that’ll raise an adaptive, resilient kid.
Children raised with authoritative parents learn how to regulate their emotions, implement boundaries, and learn from their mistakes and not beat themselves up as much.
Which parenting style do you most identify with?
What are you tweaking to transition to authoritative parenting?
Share below in the comments!
