When you have a growth mindset, it’s hard to feel stuck.
Have you ever felt stuck as a parent? Or as a parent with Fibromyalgia?
Feeling “stuck” and running the wheel is exhausting.
The same old habits (Hurry up! you say with ironic impatience, or feel crappy from doing too much at once) tend to always get the same results.
Sometimes that’s all you know. The pattern repeats itself, and you tend to make yourself feel awful because you think you should be “doing better.”
Yet you feel stuck to change because your mind is swirling with “can’t do it, I don’t know how, I need help, I’m drowning in pain,” etc.
Sometimes you stay stuck to survive. It’s no walk in the park caring for a little somebody (or perhaps many somebodies). Because what works, works, right?
Until it doesn’t feel good.
And nothing’s really working.
You feel stuck.
A growth mindset is not a magical hakuna matata concept, but it does punch stress and worry in the face.
And your parenting will flourish in bountiful ways when you have a growth mindset.
And you’ll learn how to become unstuck and unstoppable.
I will explain how your life as a parent – particularly a Fibromyalgia parent – can overflow with gratitude, hope, and progress thanks to adopting a growth mindset.
After growing up with a primarily fixed mindset, I’ve been flexing my growth mindset muscles a lot over the past few years. I feel like I’ve started to bloom.
I’m going to tell you what I’ve learned here, and how your life as a parent gets so much better when you have a growth mindset.
Your parenting flourishes in 5 ways when you have a growth mindset
It doesn’t take much to pick up poor parenting habits.
(Like probing your child to take one more bite at dinner or doing a piss-poor job at regulating with them – we’re all been there or are still there, guaranteed).
Those habits tend to fossilize or become permanent when you feel utterly guilty and bad for having them yet feel helpless to change.
So you stop trying new things, resort to the same ole tactics (you know, the ones), and go about raising your child on autopilot.
Reacting to life.
Not engaging, just passively a player in the game of life.
Adopting a growth mindset shatters all that.
At least it did for me and still is. I grew up an inwardly anxious, over-analyzing people-pleaser.
Once I did something, that’s how I did it because I felt stuck and couldn’t change. For what reason? Beats me.
I can’t wear my hair like that; I haven’t done that in so long. It’ll be so weird and different.
I don’t know how to talk him down differently. So he screams, and I cave in and yell too.
I’m a wuss, and I suck, and damn, how the hell do I ever get better. No time, no energy, so much pain…
My kid deserves better.
So you’ve had those thoughts, too, huh?
Great, so we’re on the same page, then.
Luckily, a growth mindset turns those thoughts on their heads.
Here’s how your parenting flourishes when you have a growth mindset:
- you release negativity and body tension
- you free yourself from emotional guilt
- you accrue more free time
- you give yourself permission to enjoy life
- it’s easier to find things to look forward to
I’ve talked about having a growth mindset with Fibromyalgia on my blog.
1. You release negativity and body tension
Ruminating on negative thoughts stores stress and tension in your body, which translates to inflammation, stiffness, and pain.
And that’s whether you have Fibromyalgia or not.
For instance, taking a nap can be guilt-inducing, right?
Instead of doing the dishes, playing when your child asks, or making them a non-frozen dinner, you nap.
And sometimes you still feel worse!
So again, another round of stress, aches, and pain sends off into your body, and you feel stuck.
Our bodies are so often in a state of stress. Even from breathing, we often put unnecessary stress on ourselves (about 80% of us are breathing incorrectly).
All that stress spills over into every part of our lives.
And unfortunately, we usually take out our stress and worries on those we love the most.
Hear me when I say that a growth mindset is a form of therapy for your mind and body.
You extend yourself grace, which we so often fail to give to ourselves – yet we give plenty to others – and in return, your body says, “Oh, thank you for finally being a little more chill. Thank you.”
2. You free yourself from emotional guilt
We’re good at feeling guilty as parents.
We guilt ourselves into everything.
Not enough time, not enough money, not enough energy, resources.
Sometimes it’s justified; most other times, it’s not because we’re almost always trying our best.
Adopting a more positive attitude keeps that guilt level in check. I find it much harder to be knocked down by all the “not’s” and “no’s” I can find myself saying.
Because, again, a growth mindset pushes you to grow, to become unstuck, and find new ways that work.
There’s comfort in knowing a new day will come tomorrow, and you can choose to do anything you want differently.
Every day, every hour, every minute is a chance for a re-do with your child.
Your child will appreciate every re-do for every shortcoming or mistake you make.
3. You accrue more free time
You gain so much more free time when you regularly flex your growth mindset.
A growth mindset can help you lower your (impossibly high for yourself?) standards, lessening your perfectionism which, in turn, gives you more time to spend doing the things you want.
Dishes will always be there waiting.
Dinner always has to be something, gosh darn it.
And your kid is okay to go play by themselves for a bit. Tell them you’ll play with them at X o’clock and go about your merry way.
At least as best as you can, because hello – growth mindset!
It feels so good to get back to you as a person. As a parent, yes, but also as a whole person.
So think,
What did you enjoy doing as a child?
What do you want to explore more of right now?
How glorious would it feel to do nothing, nothing at all, on the couch in bed, whatever you desire?
Remember, you are modeling self-care in front of your child.
Do they need to learn that life becomes all work, no play?
All stress, no living in the present?
And every decision you make has an opportunity cost.
You’re giving something up to do something else instead, but in giving that something up – which is often chores and work and the like for us parents – we gain something else.
More time to choose to do what we want. More time for living, even if that’s a nap that you want (or need).
I feel empowered when I choose to forgo the dishes to play my old PlayStation instead.
Or do them all so I can play PlayStation with a clean house.
It’s a balancing act.
And Happy Emily raises her kid a little more compassionately than Grumpy or Angry Emily.
4. You give yourself permission to enjoy life
With more time on your hands, you’ll learn to loosen the ropes and enjoy doing what you want – even if that’s nothing at all.
So many of us moms feel guilty for doing anything not “productive” because it feels like something always needs to be done.
Do you only want your life to be laundry, chores, your bed, and your woes?
Some seasons that can’t be avoided; I want to make it clear I know how hard some phases of your life are with Fibro as a parent.
But a growth mindset can help you push past the woes faster and learn from them instead of simply taking the lashes as they come.
It’s easy to stay there, stuck in the dark, feeling like you aren’t enough for your kid.
A growth mindset allows you to honestly know that you’re doing your best for your family. Even when it doesn’t feel that way.
And it instills this freedom that you have the world at your fingertips, the sponginess to soak up whatever knowledge you crave, the gusto and strength to take that trip – however big or small – even when you’re feeling not 100%, and your hips are achy.
You see, you can learn new things.
You can try again.
You aren’t alone, and your life is here to be lived, and your child will grow as a result of seeing you live it fully with them.
5. It’s easier to find things to look forward to
When you have a growth mindset, finding things to look forward to is much easier.
Your brain goes from “I can’t do X” or “He’ll never listen to me” to “I can do X well because I’m constantly learning” and “I look forward to the moments I can finally keep myself calm even when he doesn’t listen to me.”
Do you know the feeling you get when your child accomplishes something hard? Yeah, that feeling feels fantastic when you do it too.
It’s a beautiful thing to look forward to. And it doesn’t ever stop when you’re a parent, I’m learning.
Furthermore, a positive frame of mind also helps you spin ordinary situations into future events to get excited about.
Like your child’s last doctor visit didn’t go well? Your next visit will allow you to practice your co-regulation skills.
A personal example is Wade still hasn’t been to the beach – and yes, we live in Florida!
We tried going a few weeks ago, but he wasn’t feeling well, so while I still feel a little guilty that my little guy hasn’t dug his toes in the sand, it’ll be so sweet when he finally does.
I’m patiently waiting for that moment instead of guilting myself over what he hasn’t experienced yet.
Your takeaway
Being a parent, particularly with Fibromyalgia, is challenging.
Fortunately, your life flourishes as a parent when you have a growth mindset.
You release stress and tension, lessen the guilt trips you give yourself, and gain more free time from lowering your standards in a healthy way that nourishes you.
This new way of thinking also frees you up of mental space that gets in the way of you enjoying life – and that also makes it easier to find things to look forward to – big and small.
So mama, how has your mental health been lately?
Do you currently skew more toward a growth or fixed mindset?
And why do you think you lean more towards one way than the other?
