Imagine losing your shit.
Oh, that’s not hard at all, Emily.
Same.
Your temper going up in flames on your kid.
Of course, you don’t mean to, but in the moment, sometimes you can’t control yourself.
And so it’s you that then misbehaves.
It can be a big oops to fix.
But is it always necessary?
If you’ve done something wrong – yes.
That’s owning up to your mistakes – different from a situation out of your control (which is less likely to require an apology).
So how do you apologize to your child after you’ve badly behaved?
If you’re a little muddled around the answer, follow the 6 steps below so you can apologize concisely and authentically the next time you need to.
Because as you’ll read next, you’ll want to do that to maintain a healthy relationship.
What is the healing power of an apology?
Healthy relationships give and take apologies as necessary to invite communication and reconnection. The body also heals after an apology, which is important if you have chronic pain.
Do you know how tense your body gets and how sick you can make yourself feel from tethering yourself to guilt, shame, and regret?
Those physical symptoms are your body’s way of saying something needs to be made right.
Once you’ve righted your wrongs, it’s like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. We’ve all had that feeling.
Feelings of compassion and forgiveness increase your body’s immune system response (in a healthy way) and nourish your mental health.
How do you apologize to your child after you’ve badly behaved?
To apologize for your actions, you should first regulate yourself and think through your mistake and how you’re going to fix it. Then sincerely apologize.
If you’re step-oriented, it goes something like this:
- take a breather
- empathize
- think through your apology
- use their love language
- apologize and mean it
- check and correct yourself
Sometimes apologizing is difficult. It’s hard to admit when you’re wrong or if you screwed up.
But it’s gotta be done, and you know when.
So here is a step-by-step guide to apologizing to your child after you’ve behaved badly.
1. Take a breather
In order to sincerely apologize for what you’ve done, you first need to calm down and regulate your emotions. A genuine apology won’t happen when your emotions are at their peak.
One way to do this is to take deep belly breaths while inhaling and exhaling through your mouth.
You can also tell your child that you need a moment to regulate yourself and excuse yourself. Walking even a few feet away is a fine option too (as I’m sure you know – likewise).
2. Empathize
Empathizing with your child will bring you two to the same page, which helps keep your relationship healthy.
So many of us stew in our heads for so long we forget about holding space for our kid’s feelings, let alone thinking about how they feel.
Not acknowledging your child’s feelings, shutting them down, and brushing off their thoughts and feelings is not how to empathize
To empathize with them, try putting yourself in their shoes.
How would what you’ve done make you feel?
How do you wish you would respond as your child in their shoes?
In the moment it’s easy to forget the answers to these questions.
3. Think about what you want to say
Instead of rehashing the same ole’ and unspecific I’m sorry, work to be more specific with every apology.
I’m sorry I reacted the way I did and it made you feel uncomfortable. I’m practicing regulating myself and didn’t do so well that time. You did not deserve to be yelled at.
I’m sorry you saw me react that way because of the house being a mess. It’s not your fault, and I want you to know that.
Sorry is good, but being accountable for your actions in front of your child is even better.
4. Use their love language
Getting close to your child while you apologize is magical if you know their love language is touch.
A hand reach, pat on the warm, a big hug – they can all help you reconnect when words alone won’t do it.
If your child’s love language is not touch, you can still apologize and maintain relationship closeness with their love language in mind.
If their love language is words of affirmation write and tape a note to their bathroom mirror or put it on their pillow. “You’re amazing and I love you.”
Another love language is receiving gifts.
Something as simple as a thoughtful dollar store gift or plucked-from-the-yard flower can brighten their day and remind them of how much you cherish them.
I think my child is touchy and enjoys receiving gifts.
A child who has a great memory of who gave them what tends to have a love language in receiving sweet little things. Wade can remember who gifted him what with about every toy he has, which boggles my mind.
5. Apologize and mean it
Now it’s time to go for the big kahuna, no matter how uncomfortable you may feel.
Thank your child for sharing their thoughts and feelings with you.
I’m sorry I behaved that way at the grocery store. And thank you for telling me that I made you feel nervous. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that.
6. Check and correct yourself
I’ve caught myself doing this: doing a semi-backhanded apology.
It goes something like this: blah blah blah I can’t help it if…(you did XYZ).
Or: I’m sorry I did that but you….
Anytime you add a “but” to your apology, it becomes invalidated in the other person’s eyes.
That’s because you move the blame from you to them.
Your takeaway
So how do you apologize to your child after you’ve made a mistake?
- take a breather
- empathize
- think through your apology
- use their love language
- apologize and mean it
- check and correct yourself
Health benefits include a more robust immune system, better mental health, and a strengthened relationship with your child.
What do you find challenging about apologizing to your children?
Have you noticed how holding onto feelings or grudges keeps chronic pain around?
Let me know your thoughts below.
